Dear Friends on Facebook & Friends in Life,

I hope you all had a fabulous NYE!  If you’re still in recovery mode I recommend you skip the double dosage of extra strength Tylenol, grab your tooth brush and check into rehab.  In my opinion there’s no better time than now to get help for your bad habit(s).  Why, because if you go now, you won’t miss out on shit, everyone and their good Momma is on detox mode in January, it’s the first month of a New Year and for whatever reason many people treat it like its the first month a new life.  

Every January 1st people pretend they’re Mother Teresa and swear to God or Allah not to sin.  Oh January!  It’s the month of rebirths and diet trials.  Its also the perfect opportunity for bar-stars to give their poor kidneys some much deserved R&R time.  It’s when you hear your friends say “I’m not drinking, smoking, eating crispy cream donuts or having sex…I’m just hitting the weights, working extra hard on the job and concentrating on my life.”  The truth of matter is most people last about two weeks before they fall right back into their old habits and continue life, as they know it: fucking, eating, pretending to save money and traveling as much as they can.  With all that said,  I have no choice but to join the goody good bandwagon.  Drinking at bars during the month of January automatically drops you into a class you’ll never be able to graduate from, loneliness and alcholism.  Therefore I will join the rest of society and attempt to adopt an angelic behavior and I promise that I will NOT begin the New Year with a pessimistic Woody Allen attitude and approach to life.  AND I will lose 7 pounds doing it!  That’s right, I will wait with everyone else until February rolls around before I indulge in the Betty Crocker cake that I’ve been dreaming about since the morning of New Years day when I saw Kimmy K. chomping away at one, in on of many episodes that aired during the Kardashian Family marathon.  (Drool – for the cake not Kimmy’s cakes).

Ah February!  I love February…not for the cheesy heart shaped chocolates or the white bare assed curly haired cupids or roses that really smell like pooh pooh pooh…but for the launch of my annual campaign against Valentine’s Day (and I guess I kinda appreciate Americas mild efforts to declare it as a month to honor the honorable black people).  

My anti-Valentines Day campaign usually goes from February 1st till the night of February 16th.  The reason it doesn’t end on the 14th is because on the 15th and 16th I have to listen to all my boo’d up girlfriends talk about how their man or women spoiled them to pieces.  Every time  I have to sit through one of these exasperating love jones reenactments I can’t help but remix the outcome of the love story in my mind while rolling my eyes faster than a baby mama on the Maury Povich show who just found out her baby does NOT belong to the 23rd broke ass brotha who’s DNA tested negative.  

The stories always start like, “you should have seen it, he had candles everywhere!  Like EVERYWHERE!  Everrrry-WHERE!  It was BEAUTIFUL and then…OMG!…WAIT AND THEN…and then…SHIT! I can’t remember and then…”  Why?  Why the stall?  I can’t stand it when people pretend they can’t remember the next part of a story for dramatic effect; especially when they’re telling a love story.  What happened?  Let me guess…your house went on fire when one of the candles touched his curtains.  Meanwhile you were busy making love to slow jazz, he noticed the wacka flocka flame first, grabbed his Mac laptop and ran out the house without you?  So now your here sitting in front of me, asking to move in with me…until of course you meet another deadbeat dude at a bar and decide to move in with him too soon and get pregnant by him and have his seven babies and you only stop at seven because he said seven is his lucky number!  I kid, I kid!  I’m not that bitter!  I just don’t think all moments need to be reenacted but for some reason lovers always want to share their love stories and make you uncomfortable.  I’m not a hater or single, I’m a lover that’s been in a relationship for six years and counting.  After the first Valentine’s Day celebration I decided to nix all and or any possibilities of another.  Don’t get it twisted my first real Valentines Day with my man was butterflies and lollipops, it was everything and more.  And I’m sure I bored one of you with my very own gushy story.  

The reasons I dislike the 14th of February are simple…I hate chocolate but even worse I hate North American chocolate, I prefer orchid’s over roses but I don’t have a green thumb so both would die on me before the end of a Barry White song, I hate going to restaurants with prix fix menus, moreover I hate going to restaurants when people who aren’t used to going to restaurants are dining at restaurants…suburban married couples are the worst!  They hire a babysitter to look after their chil’ren while they take the old mini van down to the BIG city for a romantic night out…they get to the restaurant and holy shit, everythings changed on the menu since the last time they were there which was 5 years ago (there lucky the restaurant actually still exist in this economy).  So they’re extremely pissed off that the salmon fillet is no longer on the menu and this gives them reason to believe that its alright to treat their server like shit for the rest of the night and I have to sit at the table next to them watching it all go down and say nothing!  I will NOT!  But that is not the worse because I could eat at home.  The worst thing about Valentines day is all the PDA!  Poke my fucking eyes out and give them to the biometrics research team at Yale because I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to do it and I sure as hell don’t want to hear it!  I digress.

2011 is here!  So don’t forget to run out and re-up on this year’s fireman calendar before they’re all gone. The years already off to a fast start, you wouldn’t want to forget when your periods coming.  Buy a calendar, place a red dot on your special day and be prepared.  

Last year went by really slow but this years off to a quick start.  How do I know this?  I meant to send this letter out on January 1st for all of you to read while munching on celery and before I would begin writing I noticed that its already January 5th, 2011.

Happy New Year Friends!  If your wondering what my resolution is this year, it’s the same as last year…to finish my first book titled “Just Distracted: A collection of fantasies, photography and stories from a closet writer” (Copyright 2009).  If you’d like to help me achieve my resolution continue to say yes to my invitations for you to be bad…you’re all characters and inspiration for my writing.  Tee hee! Jk, only some of you.

Stay out of trouble (for two more weeks) and love yourself more than you ever will this year.  Dreams don’t run, people run…so stand still and live your dream.  Your greatest fear is waiting to become your greatest success.  This is me being an angel.

Toast (with milk) to January and death to the clock in 2011, I got all  day!

Love & Play,

Lils

JUST Distracted

www.justdistracted.com